I don't know how to start this. How do you talk about the life you're living when it feels like you no longer have a life? I know I don't have it the worst. I'm not sick, nor is my family. The one person I know who is sick from the virus thankfully is getting over it. I'm not essential, I'm not in an unsafe living situation, I've got it better than a lot of people during these times.
In the weirdest sense my classes feel optional, but I know that they aren't. The emails are piling up about missing work and my anxiety is boiling over the top. I can feel the pressure in my ribcage as I see more emails about missing work, about missing my counseling sessions that I keep avoiding so I don't have to admit to anyone that I'm self sabotaging an already bad situation. Online learning is incredibly hard for me, and it has become my only option. In every sense it's a worst case scenario, education wise, for me. The truth is: I never wanted to go to college. I can see myself failing out of my online classes and part of me is relieved as terrible as it sounds. But the other part of me is angry. I'm angry at the world for the situation we're in. I'm angry at myself for being reckless with my coursework. I'm angry that my only option is the way I can not learn. I'm angry I can't see my friends, or my professors, or my counselor. I'm angry I can't bring myself to talk to my professors about how hard this is. I'm angry that I'm ruining my financial aid by doing what I am. I'm angry at how people aren't taking this sickness seriously, furthering the spread.
But above all I'm scared. I'm scared I'll never see my friends from school again. I'm scared the world won't return to normal. I'm scared someone I love will die from this. I'm scared that I'm ruining my life. I don't scare easily, and I'm scared about being scared.